What Not to Say to the Newly Bereaved (and a Few Things to Say Instead)

When someone we care about has just lost somebody and they are thick in the beginning stages of grief, it can be hard for us to know what to do. We might actually be the ones feeling uncomfortable because of the emotions it brings up in us. So our immediate reaction can be, "I need to fix this. I need to make it better. I need to comfort them." But sometimes we're actually trying to comfort ourselves by comforting them, and that might not actually be what the person who is grieving needs.

Take a step back, take a breath and ask yourself, "Am I saying this to make them feel better or am I saying this to make me feel better?" Grief doesn't need to be fixed. We don't need to say things like, "They're in a better place," "This is what was meant to happen," "They're with God now" or some other religious statement, especially if the person you're talking to is non-religious. This can also apply to cases of miscarriage. Saying things like, "At least you can try again" or "At least you know you can get pregnant" might be well meaning, but it doesn't actually acknowledge the loss that person is experiencing.

Now, making comments about a higher power, heaven or things happening for a reason can be comforting to some people, and that's perfectly fine. If the person you're talking to shares your beliefs, then absolutely, bring religion into the conversation if you know that it will be comforting to them. The problem is when we assume that everyone shares our beliefs. Something that is comforting to one person can actually be hurtful or even offensive to someone else. We don't know how another person understands their loss, so we need to be mindful of that and meet them where they are instead of trying to give their loss meaning based on what we believe.

So what can we do instead? There are things we can say and do that are much more considerate and can actually be more helpful to someone who is grieving. You can say, "I'm so sorry for your loss." You can say, "I want to help you in some way, but I don't know how. So I'm going to sit here with you." You can simply say, "I'm here for you." You can even say, "This really sucks, and it's unfair."

You can also ask them to talk about the person they lost. Say their name. Ask about them. I know that instinct can be, "Don't bring them up. We don't want to make them sad." However, talking about the deceased can actually be incredibly helpful, and it's incredibly empowering to someone who's grieving. As someone who's been there, I can tell you that being able to talk about your loved one, share their story and tell someone about the things that made them who they were can mean a lot. You're not reminding them that their person died. They already know that. You're giving them an opportunity to share their loved one with you and you're showing them that you're willing to remember that person with them.

We also don't need to fix the sadness and emotions that come along with grief. As a society, it's almost become taboo that nobody should ever feel uncomfortable, sad or hurt. We're constantly trying to make ourselves and everyone around us feel better, but these are all natural human emotions. When someone is grieving, instead of trying to make the pain disappear or convince them that everything is going to be okay, sometimes we need to allow them to feel what they're feeling without trying to change it.

We don't need to have the perfect response. We just need to be willing to sit with them in their emotions, be present and say, "I'm here, and I want to support you." People don't need an explanation for why this happened. They don't need you to convince them that everything is going to be okay. They need to know that they don't have to go through those emotions alone.

You can even ask, "What do you need?" But there's another piece of this that I think is important to remember. We often tell grieving people, "Just let me know if you need anything." That sounds helpful, but it can actually add something to the grieving person's plate. Now they're responsible for figuring out what they need, asking you for it and potentially coordinating your help when they're already trying to get through one of the hardest experiences of their life.

Instead of waiting for them to ask, think about what you can actually take off their plate. If you think they could benefit from a meal, say, "Hey, I'd like to bring you dinner. What day works best?" If you know the laundry is probably piling up, offer to take care of it. If their house needs cleaning, offer to clean it. If there are children who need to be picked up, offer to help with that. These are the things that can actually be helpful to someone who is newly bereaved.

We don't need to fix grief. We don't need to make someone's pain disappear just because we're uncomfortable watching them hurt. We don't need to find the perfect words or give them an explanation for something that may not have an explanation.

Sometimes what someone needs most is simply for you to be willing to sit with them in what they're feeling and let them know you're there. Listen to them talk about the person they lost. Say their loved one's name. Let them tell you stories. Bring them a meal. Take the laundry off their plate. Help clean their house. Find a practical way to make their day a little easier.

You don't have to make their grief better. You just have to be willing to be there with them while they're going through it.