When Someone You Love Is Dying and You Don't Know What to Say

When someone you love is dying and you don't know what to say, it can be really hard to know how to respond. Your mom or dad, grandma or grandpa, aunt or uncle, or whoever it might be sits you down and tells you they are terminally ill. They only have X amount of time left to live. Immediately, your brain can go into panic mode.

As humans, we want to fix everything and make everything better, especially for the people we love. We want to find the perfect words that will somehow make this easier for them. Sometimes we immediately start searching for solutions. "Have you tried this clinical trial?" "Maybe we can get you in with this doctor." "What about this treatment?" We start looking for anything that might change the situation because sitting with the fact that someone we love is dying can be incredibly difficult.

This kind of piggybacks off of my previous post about what not to say to the newly bereaved. We don't have to fix this. We don't have to make it better. We don't have to find solutions.

A lot of the time, when this conversation is being had with us, our loved one has already had some time to come to terms with what is happening. They may have kept us in the dark until they knew how to tell us. They may have been walking through this process for weeks or months already. Or maybe we've been walking the journey with them and we were there when they found out. Either way, we need to remember that this may not be new information to them in the same way that it is to us.

Don't allow that frenzied panic to take you out of the present. Instead, what we can and should do is be there to listen.

Ask them what they need. Ask what you can take off their plate. Maybe you can create a meal train within the family, their friends or their circle of support. Maybe you can organize an errand chart for the people who want to help. There are plenty of practical things that can be taken care of so your loved one doesn't have to carry everything themselves.

You can also help them make sure they have everything together for the end of life while they're still able to do so. If they want their wishes written out, you can help them with that. What do they want? What kind of funeral do they want? What do they want to wear? Are there songs they want played or words they want spoken? You can help them put those things together if they want the help.

You can even help them write out their own eulogy, which can actually be an incredibly empowering thing to do. It gives them the opportunity to tell their story in their own words and decide what they want people to remember about them.

Of course, it's also okay if they say, "I've got this. I want to do this on my own." We need to respect that, too. Helping someone doesn't always mean doing something for them. Sometimes it means being available if and when they decide they want your help.

You can just be present. Spend time with them. Listen to them. Let them talk about what they're feeling, what they're afraid of, what they're looking forward to or what they want to do with the time they have left. You don't have to make things better. You don't have to make the emotions go away. The sadness, the tears, the anger and everything else that comes along with this are all okay.

Don't feel like you have to be strong for them because you're afraid that if you cry, you'll make them sad. They might actually need someone to cry along with them. They might need someone to look at them and say, "This sucks." They might need someone who isn't trying to put a positive spin on what is happening or convince them that everything will be okay.

Sometimes there isn't a solution. Sometimes there isn't a way to make it better. That doesn't mean there is nothing you can do.

You can listen. You can support them. You can help with the practical things. You can help them prepare for the end of life if that's something they want. You can spend time with them and let them know that they aren't facing this alone.

Again, it's not about perfection. It's about support. You don't need to have the perfect words or the perfect response. You just need to be willing to be present with someone you love while they're going through something incredibly difficult.