What Happens After Someone we Love Dies? A Practical Guide for Families.

When someone we love dies, there is this immediate feeling of, Okay, now what the hell do I do?

There is so much that suddenly needs to happen, or at least it feels that way. You have to figure out what happens with their body, who needs to be called, what funeral home you're using, whether they're being buried or cremated, and then eventually there is the will, the estate, the bank accounts, the insurance, the bills and everything else that comes along with someone's death.

But the first thing I want you to know is that you do not have to solve everything right in the moments after your loved one dies. We don't need to immediately get a spreadsheet and a checklist going. Now, if that's how you cope, by all means, grab your spreadsheet. If having a list of things to do helps you feel like you have some control when everything else feels completely out of control, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I'm not here to tell anyone there is one right way to handle the first few hours after someone dies.

The first thing you need to figure out is how your loved one died and who needs to be contacted. If they were a hospice patient and hospice isn't already there, contact their hospice agency. They will walk you through what happens next and help you understand what needs to happen with your loved one's body. This is one of those situations where you don't need to sit there trying to figure everything out yourself. Call hospice and let them guide you through the process.

If this was an unexpected death and your loved one was not under hospice care, call 911. Even if you believe they have been gone for some time or it is obvious to you that there is nothing that can be done, an unexpected death still needs to be handled appropriately. There needs to be an official pronouncement and, depending on the circumstances, the death may need to be investigated by the medical examiner or the appropriate authority where you live. Here in Maryland, certain unexpected, sudden or medically unattended deaths fall under the Office of the Chief Medical Examiner.

Once the appropriate people have been contacted and the death has been officially handled, you're going to start making arrangements for your loved one's body. If you already have a funeral home, crematory or other final disposition service selected, this is the time to contact them. If your loved one had preplanned their funeral or had written down what they wanted, pull those documents out. You don't need to start guessing what they wanted if they already told you.

If you have chosen to have a home funeral or another type of home-based disposition, this is something that should have been planned ahead of time and you should already have the appropriate people involved. The laws surrounding this are different depending on where you live, so this isn't something you want to try to figure out after the person has died.

If you're using a traditional funeral home, you also don't necessarily have to feel like your loved one needs to be taken away immediately just because they have died. There are circumstances where you can have some time with them before they are taken into the care of the funeral home. Ask what is possible and what the time requirements are where you live. Maybe you want to sit with them for a while, have your children come say goodbye, have your closest family members spend a few quiet moments with them, play their favorite song or hold their hand. Maybe you don't want to be alone with them at all. That's okay too. You do not have to have some beautiful, movie-worthy goodbye with the person who died, and you don't have to touch them, stay in the room or have your children see them if that isn't right for you. You get to decide what feels right for you and your family.

Once the funeral home has your loved one in their care, you will generally have an appointment within the next few days to start making arrangements. You'll be talking about whether there will be a funeral, memorial service, viewing, burial or cremation and all of the other decisions that come with that.

If your loved one is going to be buried, you will also need to make arrangements with the cemetery. If they are being cremated, you'll need to make arrangements with the crematory. Funeral homes will often work with cemeteries and crematories, but don't automatically assume that because the funeral home has handled one part, everything else has been taken care of. Ask questions and make sure you know who is handling what.

This is also where I want to tell you that some things can wait. You do not have to immediately open the estate, call every doctor your loved one has ever seen, cancel every subscription on the same day they died, clean out their house or sort through every drawer and every box to decide what everyone gets. There are things that are time-sensitive and there are things that aren't.

Take care of the immediate things first. Make sure the funeral or final disposition arrangements are being handled, the home is secure, pets are cared for and important medications, valuables and documents are somewhere safe. If someone is staying in the home, great. If the house is going to be empty, make sure somebody is checking on it. After that, you can give yourself some room to process what just happened.

For a lot of people, having that period of time where the funeral happens and the immediate chaos starts to settle before diving into the estate and paperwork can be incredibly helpful. You have just lost somebody. You are allowed to mourn them before becoming the administrator of everything they left behind.

The funeral or memorial service can sometimes mark a really strange transition. Before the service, there is so much to do that you can almost operate on autopilot. You're choosing flowers, picking music, writing an obituary, finding photographs, talking to family and making arrangements. Then the service happens, everyone goes home and suddenly the reality of what happened can hit you in a completely different way. That's when you may be ready to start dealing with the practical side of things.

This is when I would start looking at the will and figuring out what happens with the estate. I'm going to say this from personal experience because I have gone through probate four times here in Maryland and I still use an attorney every single time. Probate can be incredibly confusing. There are rules, paperwork, deadlines and legal distinctions that you may not understand, especially when you're trying to navigate them while you're also grieving. Find an attorney who specializes in probate to help you through the process. Their services are invaluable.

If your loved one had a will, find it. If they named a personal representative, find out who that person is. If the estate needs to go through probate, a probate attorney can help you understand what needs to happen and when. You don't get bonus points for trying to figure it all out yourself.

You're also going to need death certificates. You're going to need them for a lot of the things you're going to be doing after someone dies. There may also be situations where you need your Letters of Administration before you can actually act on behalf of the estate or close certain accounts. The exact requirements depend on the situation and the company you're dealing with, so don't assume that one document is going to be enough for everything.

This is also where I will always tell people to follow your loved one's wishes. If Grandpa said in his will that he wanted Cousin Justin to have his Freemason ring, then Cousin Justin gets the Freemason ring. Maybe you don't like Cousin Justin. Maybe you think you were closer to Grandpa. Maybe you think Cousin Justin isn't worthy of having that ring. It doesn't really matter. Grandpa wrote it down for a reason, so honor the will. Do not turn your loved one's belongings into a dick-swinging contest because somebody thinks they deserve something more than somebody else. If the person who died clearly stated what they wanted, the best way to honor them is to follow those wishes.

Once you're ready to start working through the administrative side of things, make yourself a list of everyone who may need to be contacted. And I mean everyone. Their employer may need to be notified. Their health insurance may need to be updated or canceled. Their life insurance company may need to be contacted. Banks and credit cards will need to be dealt with. You may have a mortgage company or landlord. You'll need to deal with car insurance and homeowner's or renter's insurance. There may be a cell phone, cable, internet, electric, gas, water and other household accounts.

Then there are the things that are easy to forget, including their doctor's offices, dentist, pharmacy, retirement accounts, investment accounts, financial advisor, accountant, attorney, memberships, clubs and organizations, professional organizations, subscriptions, gym memberships, storage units, social media accounts, email accounts, online services and any benefits they received. If they were a veteran, there may be military or veterans' benefits that need to be addressed. If they were working, there may be a final paycheck, retirement benefits, life insurance through their employer or other benefits that need to be handled.

Their vehicle will need to be dealt with. Their mail will continue arriving. There may be automatic payments coming out of their bank account. There may be checks arriving that belong to the estate. There may be things sitting in their home that are important for the estate that you don't even know about yet.

This is why I really recommend slowing down enough to make a list before you start randomly canceling things. You don't want to accidentally cancel something you actually need or lose access to an account before you've gathered the information you need from it.

You also don't have to clean out their entire house immediately. I know sometimes family members want everything gone because seeing their loved one's belongings is too painful. Sometimes other family members want to preserve absolutely everything. Both reactions are understandable. But unless there is a legal or practical reason something needs to be dealt with immediately, you can take your time. You can go through their clothes later, look through photographs later, decide what to do with their furniture later and sit down with their jewelry and keepsakes later. You don't have to decide what every single object means to you while you're still in the first few weeks of grief.

There are going to be a lot of things that need to happen after someone dies. Some of them need to happen right away, some need to happen within the first few days or weeks and some of them can wait months. You don't need to panic because you haven't handled everything yet.

This is also where I want to talk about something that people don't always realize about an end-of-life doula, atleast for me and my specific practice. You do not have to have hired me before your loved one died for me to be able to support you afterward. If your loved one has already died and you are suddenly sitting there thinking, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now, you can reach out to me. I can help you work through the practical side of what comes next, help you organize the things that need to be handled and provide support while you're navigating all of this. I'm not an attorney, I don't replace your funeral director and I don't replace the professionals who handle the legal and financial aspects of an estate, but I can be another person in your corner while you're trying to figure out what comes next.

I also created my end-of-life planning workbook for the other side of this. If your loved one is still alive and you're reading this because you want to get your family prepared before you ever have to use this information, this is exactly why I encourage people to get their wishes, important information and end-of-life plans together ahead of time. Having everything in one place can make an enormous difference when your family is grieving and suddenly needs to know what you wanted, who you wanted making decisions for you and where your important information is. You can use the workbook to work through those conversations and get those plans documented before your family is left trying to figure everything out on their own.

And if you're reading this because your loved one has already died, I would probably tell you the same thing I would tell you if we were sitting across from each other with a cup of coffee. Take the next thing in front of you and deal with that. If they're on hospice, call hospice. If it was an unexpected death, call 911. Once the immediate situation is handled, contact the funeral home or the service you've chosen. Make the arrangements you need to make. Make sure the house and pets are taken care of. Let the people closest to you know what happened.

When you're ready, find the will, get the death certificates, figure out who is handling the estate, get a probate attorney if you need one and start making your list of people and companies that need to be contacted. Work through it one thing at a time and ask for help when you need it.

You have just lost someone you love. There is a lot of practical work that comes with death, but the paperwork does not need to become more important than the person you just lost. Take care of what needs to be taken care of, give yourself permission to grieve while you're doing it and remember that you do not have to know how to do all of this by yourself.