Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. This is something that is so much more common than people talk about, but at the same time, it can almost feel taboo to openly grieve a pregnancy that we have lost or an infant. There can be this feeling that because maybe you didn't get to bring that baby home, or maybe you only knew them for a very short amount of time, that somehow you're not supposed to still be grieving them. I don't believe that and quite frankly I find that belief harmful to healing. This space here is to affirm your loss was valid.

It doesn't matter if all you ever saw were two pink lines. It doesn't matter if you saw a heartbeat on an ultrasound. It doesn't matter if you went into an appointment expecting to walk out with happiness and instead found out there was an empty sac. Maybe it was an early miscarriage, maybe it was a late miscarriage or a stillbirth. Maybe your child had a condition that was incompatible with life and you were given the option of hospice care. Maybe you had moments together, maybe you had days or months. All of it matters. Your child matters. Your grief matters. You are allowed to feel whatever it is that you feel about that loss.

I am with you as the 1 in 4. My husband and I did not have an easy road to build our family. I had a miscarriage in 2019 and for a while it felt like pregnancy was just never going to happen again. When we were ready to try to add to our family again, we ended up suffering three more losses while dealing with secondary infertility because of a C-section scar defect (also called an isthmocele.) We didn't know that the life saving C-section we had with our daughter actually hurt us to complete our family, most people don't know about this and should because it can contribute to secondary infertility, miscarriage and pregnancy loss.

One of the babies we lost, we knew was a girl. I dreamed about my youngest daughter having a little sister from the moment we knew. I pictured them doing dance classes together, wearing matching dresses and bows and all the pink and girly things. I had this picture in my head of what that would look like for them, it just wasn't to be and it nearly broke me. Our little girl Chloe was due in June of 2023.

We did eventually get our rainbow baby and he is exactly what we needed. I love the family that we have and I am incredibly grateful for the children who are here with us. But I'll also be the first to admit that I still wonder sometimes. What if we never lost Chloe? What if we didn't lose the others? Who would they be? What would they be like? Those are questions I don't think I'll ever have answers to, and I don't think asking them means that I'm not grateful for what I have. It just means that I remember the children we lost and I wonder about the lives that we didn't get to know.

I also believe that sometimes they send us signs that they're still around us. While we were on vacation this year, we were on the beach and met another family. Their daughter was named Chloe, and their son shared a name with our son. It was one of those moments where you just kind of stop and take it in. For me, it felt like Chloe letting me know that she was still around, that she was still watching us. It even felt like she had sent our son to us in some way.

I'm not here to tell you what you should believe. Maybe you believe in signs and maybe you don't. Maybe you believe our loved ones can still reach us and maybe you have a completely different belief system. That's okay. But if those little synchronicities bring you comfort, it is okay to find comfort in them. You don't have to explain them to anyone else.

One of the things we have done to honor our losses is create a memorial garden. I think it is important to remember that even if someone's life was incredibly brief, that doesn't mean it didn't matter or that it can't have a lasting legacy. There are so many ways we can carry that legacy forward. You can donate to a cause in their memory or in their name. You can volunteer. You can plant a flower somewhere special for them. You can talk about them. You can write them letters. You can say their name. You can tell their story. There isn't anything wrong with wanting to keep their memory present in your life.

I share my story because I know how isolating pregnancy and infant loss can feel. I know what it is like to wonder whether you should still be talking about a baby that other people may not even remember existed. I know what it is like to have people move on while you're still carrying the loss with you. And I know that sometimes what we need most is simply for someone to say, yes, that baby mattered. You are allowed to miss them. You are allowed to talk about them. You are allowed to still wonder who they would have been.

If you are remembering a little one or a sweet baby that left us too soon, please know that I am holding space for you. You can say their name here. You can share their story. You can tell us how old they would be. You can share as much or as little as feels comfortable. You don't have to hide them or your grief. You are valid here.