I've found myself thinking a lot about difficult family relationships at the end of life. It's something I'm really passionate about, one of the reasons I became an end-of-life doula in the first place. Family relationships are complicated on a good day, so when you add a terminal diagnosis or hospice into the mix, things can get even more complicated. Suddenly everyone seems to have an opinion about what you should do. People start talking about forgiveness, closure, making peace and doing the right thing. Most of the time they mean well, but good intentions don't necessarily mean they understand your relationship or everything that has happened within it.
I've been on both sides of this. I've been there supporting someone I loved through the dying process, and I've also been in the position where my own mother was in hospice while I remained no contact with her. That wasn't a decision I made lightly, and it wasn't something I hadn't thought about a million times. It was the right decision for me, and I don't regret it. I share that because I know there are other people who have found themselves in a similar position and are wondering what the hell they're supposed to do when someone they have been no contact with is dying.
Should you reconnect with a dying parent? Should you visit someone you haven't spoken to in years? What if that person was abusive? What if there was manipulation, neglect or years of broken trust? What if you're the one who is dying and you're wondering whether you should be the one to reach out? These are incredibly personal questions, and there isn't one answer that is going to be right for everyone. What I can tell you is that you are allowed to make that decision for yourself.
One of the biggest misconceptions I see is that a terminal diagnosis somehow erases everything that came before it. Someone being close to death doesn't suddenly erase years of hurt or change the history of a relationship. Death changes the timeline, but it doesn't erase the history. If there has been abuse, manipulation, neglect or a relationship that has caused you significant harm, those things don't stop being true simply because the person is dying.
I've had people tell me that I would regret remaining no contact with my mother. I've had people remind me that she was my mother, and I've heard the whole "you'll wish you had one last conversation" argument. I understand why people say those things. Most people are trying to help, and they are usually imagining what they would want if they were in that situation. The problem is that they weren't living my relationship. They didn't know the history, they didn't know what led me to that decision and they weren't the ones who had to live with it afterward. I was.
That doesn't mean remaining no contact was the right decision for someone else. It means it was the right decision for me. If you are sitting in that choice, know that whatever you choose is the right choice for you. You do not need to justify it, you are valid here.
If reconnecting with someone who is dying is something you genuinely want to do, then I hope you get the opportunity to have whatever conversation you need to have. Maybe there is healing there. Maybe there are things you've wanted to say for years. Maybe you want to be there because, despite everything that happened, you still want that relationship in your life.
There are also people who will realize that maintaining the boundaries they have worked so hard to build is the healthier choice. That is okay too. You don't have to abandon those boundaries simply because someone is nearing the end of their life.
Sometimes we have already grieved a relationship long before death ever enters the picture. Maybe what you're grieving isn't the person themselves, but the parent you needed and never had. Maybe it's the sibling relationship you always wished you could have. Maybe you've spent years hoping someone would become the person you needed them to be, only to eventually realize that they weren't going to. Reopening that relationship doesn't automatically make any of that better. Sometimes it can bring healing, and sometimes it can reopen wounds that you've spent years working through.
There is also a lot of pressure placed on the person who is dying, and I don't think we talk about that side of this enough. When someone is terminally ill, people can start telling them that they need to make things right before they die. They need to call the family member they haven't spoken to in years. They need to forgive. They need to bring people back into their lives because they don't have much time left.
I don't believe you owe anyone that.
If there are relationships you want to repair, then reach out. If there are things you want to say, say them. If there is someone you want beside you during your final days, invite them in. If having someone back in your life would take away your sense of safety or peace during that time, you don't have to do that either.
This is something I feel very strongly about in my work as an end-of-life doula. I'm not there to convince someone that they need to reconcile with their family because they are dying. I'm there to help them figure out what is actually right for them. Sometimes that means having a difficult conversation. Sometimes it means reaching out to someone after years apart. Sometimes it means setting a boundary and being okay with the fact that the relationship isn't going to be repaired. Sometimes someone has already made peace with their decision and doesn't need to reopen anything.
I've also seen how much pressure people put on themselves because of the way we talk about death. Movies and television love the idea of the last minute reconciliation. Someone is dying, the estranged family member comes rushing in, everyone says what they've needed to say, forgiveness happens and somehow everything is wrapped up neatly before the person dies. Real life doesn't always work that way.
Sometimes people reconcile and sometimes they don't. Sometimes you get the conversation you've been hoping for and sometimes you don't. Sometimes making peace doesn't come from another conversation at all. It can come from accepting what the relationship was, accepting what it wasn't and knowing that you made the decision that was healthiest for you.
If you're reading this because you're trying to decide whether you should reconnect with a dying parent, forgive someone who hurt you or reach out to someone before you die yourself, I can't tell you what you should do. I don't know your relationship, your history or what you've been through. What I can tell you is that whatever decision you make needs to be yours. It shouldn't be based on guilt, pressure or someone else telling you that you're going to regret it.
Think about what you actually want. Think about what you can live with afterward. Think about what will bring you peace rather than what will make everyone else more comfortable with your decision. There isn't a universal right answer here, and I don't think there needs to be.
If you're in the middle of this right now, you're not the only person struggling with it. More people carry these questions than we probably realize, especially when the family relationship is complicated or painful. We just don't talk about it nearly enough. I think we should.
